Starting to get real sick of DNC malarkey
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Of course, none of the Martians will be considered in our land claims.
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.