Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
Well, I for one..
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
They work just fine outside as well
It came completely out of the purple…
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
Username checks out.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
2B or not 2B
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
You'll be mist.
A pilot, you racist
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
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A pope tart.
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Be tall, it's much better.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom. My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha!
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
I was in complete Shock.
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
Because its iceolated
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart