Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper. “$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric. “Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?” The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there. “Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?” At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Damn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
iPhone 12 Trailer – 48 Cameras (Parody)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
Why did dad get angry when the window was broken?
Because it was a pane to replace.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
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