Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
Shrödinger’s Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.