Statue Seemed Suspicious
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
Support feudalism!
It's your count who votes!
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
I wanted someone to buy me Nike’s for Christmas
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend…
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista