stay at home so lazy haha
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
And only a handful of Herpes cases was Clinton's
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
…I’m one of them.
"Don't look I'm changing!"
I don't know but Alaska.
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
Being homeschooled sucks.
But most just have 4.
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Outlaws are Wanted…
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
The winner of the no Belle prize.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
But then he disappeared without a tres…
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."