My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?" "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Dave, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
So proud of my daughter for this one… “Why do fishes swim in salt water?”
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.