Stay home and do not spread the virus like it’s your butthole!
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
Why don’t people joke about the Jonestown massacre?
The punchline is too long.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”