I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife’s sister says ” it sounds like an elephant in there”
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.." My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Teenage boy can’t figure out how his friend gets laid all the time — but he doesn’t
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner
It was just collecting dust
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone