#stayhome
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Pedro and Juanita
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.
"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
Trump congratulates state of Kansas after Chiefs win Super Bowl but they play in Missouri
https://ift.tt/38ZLyQv
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1 or 2? 2 or 3?
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.