stealing good.. wife bad >:(
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
If you get in a fight at the circus…
You should go for the juggler.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
