Stefon helpfully demonstrates technique for stop the spread of coronavirus
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
this
No text found
My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.