stfu
What do you call a deer that canโt see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that canโt see and doesnโt have legs? Still no eye deer
What do you call a dad joke thatโs matured?
All groan up.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Whatโs the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til youโre twelve to come on your face.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why donโt keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
My grandma is in her 90โs and she still doesnโt need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, โTo fly, to serveโ? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. โWinning the hearts of the worldโ? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. โGoing beyond expectationsโ? The woman looks at him sternly and says, โWhat the fuck do you wantโ? โAhaโ, he says,… "United Airlines".
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.