stfu
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservativeā Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme…
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
The CIA,The FBI and the KGB
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about whoās the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigationsĀ they conclude that rabbits donāt exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.Ā That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
I canāt believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
A man goes to his doctor because heās been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. āThe only way to cure your headaches is castration.ā The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing heās going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest menās store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that heās pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if heād considered getting new shoes. The man hadnāt, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the manās feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if heād like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, āAh, Iāve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.ā The tailor looks at him and replyās, āNo you donāt, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.ā
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well