Stick to your guns
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich…
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
Why did man invent curling?
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped…
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
