Still a classic
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
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I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub are funny
Just because it’s made be a baby boomer doesn’t make it bad
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
