Still brilliant
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit