Still do
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
When do you go at red and stop at green?
When you’re eating a watermelon.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-1-400x674.png)
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.
It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
My favorite response when I’m canceling an account and they force me to give them feedback
https://ift.tt/33TlSnc
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
