Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But thatβs another storey.
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
I find bone puns very
Humerus
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
Iβve had a stiff neck all day
Three men die and go to heaven
three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: βwelcome guys, mike please come in first.β Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him. Peter: βHere Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you have a Farrari to drive in heaven for eternity. Now Ricky, please enter.β Ricky walks through the pearly gates where he sees a Toyota there for him. Peter: β Hello Ricky, my records show me that you have cheated on your wife 2 times, you are now stuck with this 1998 Toyota as your car for eternity. Now Randy, come in.β Randy enters and sees a Push bike laying on the ground for him. Peter: β Randy, I am disappointed in you, my records show you have cheated on your wife 8 times. You now can only ride your bike around for eternity. As all men have passed through the pearly gates, Randy and Ricky see Mike sitting in his Ferrari, crying his eyes out. They go up to him and say: βMikey, whatβs up why are you crying, you are sitting in a Ferrari?!β Mike answers: βg-guys… I just saw my wife roll by on a s-skateboard.
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
You canβt run through a campground
You can only ran, because itβs past tents.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, βMy dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.β The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. βVery good,β said the teacher. Next, Mary said, βWe are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.β The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before theyβre hatched . βVery good,β said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barneyβs turn to tell his story: βMy dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.β βGo on,β said the teacher, intrigued. βAunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.β βGood heavens,β said the horrified teacher, βWhat did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?β The child said: βStay away from Aunt Karen when sheβs been drinking.β
Why is βdarkβ spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canβt C in the dark
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."