Still relevant today.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
In other news: Turtle grandpa can’t stop mitching about the consequences of his own actions
https://ift.tt/37V8bVV
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffienated
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships…
So they can scan da navy in…
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!