Still relevant with a little bit of a change
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
There was a girl band
and there names of each member were : Anna1 Anna2 Anna1234 (saw this on r/tinder)
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
What is the difference between Tatooine and Hoth?
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
A guy with a gun enters a bar, and asks “who the heck had sex with my wife ?!”
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
