Still Works though…
They swept the finals
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
or maybe not.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
He’s now Aware Wolf
They operate on a shoestring budget.
Let’s go play on our bikes.
It's the state of affairs.
It makes my day
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet
In the end we decided to just let her live.
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS OFFICERS: "TOMORROW EVENING AT APPROXIMATELY 2000 HOURS HALLEY'S COMET WILL BE VISIBLE IN THIS AREA. AN EVENT WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS. HAVE THE MEN FALL OUT IN THE BATTALION AREA IN FATIGUES AND I WILL EXPLAIN THIS RARE PHENOMENON TO THEM. IN CASE OF RAIN. WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING, SO ASSEMBLE THE MEN IN THE THEATER AND I WILL SHOW THEM FILMS OF IT." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL, TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR ABOVE THE BATTALION AREA. IF IT RAINS, FALL THE MEN OUT IN FATIGUES, THEN MARCH TO THE THEATER WHERE THIS RARE PHENOMENON WILL TAKE PLACE, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL IN FATIGUES AT 2000 HOURS TOMORROW EVENING, THE PHENONOMENAL HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER. IN CASE OF RAIN, IN THE BATTALION AREA, THE COLONEL WILL GIVE ANOTHER ORDER, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." LEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, THE COLONEL WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER WITH HALLEY'S COMET, SOMETHING WHICH HAPPENS EVERY 75 YEARS. IF IT RAINS, THE COLONEL WILL ORDER THE COMET INTO THE BATTALION AREA." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "WHEN IT RAINS TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS. THE PHENOMENAL 75 YEAR OLD GENERAL HALLEY, ACCOMPANIED BY THE COLONEL, WILL DRIVE HIS COMET THROUGH THE BATTALION AREA THEATER IN FATIGUES."
A pithon Happy pi day
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
…was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
That spoke volumes.
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
But China got it right off the bat.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."