Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
Marathon runner ran 26.3 miles to spell out “BOSTON STROG” in her fitness app
https://ift.tt/2VtzPWC
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
Do You Know Why They Don’t Have Covid-19 in Antarctica?
Because they are ICE-O-LATED
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
I made a website for orphans
There’s no home page
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.