What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I donāt know what the word āapocalypseā means
Honestly, I donāt see what the big deal is. Itās not the end of the world.
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didnāt realize it would Zoom..
Nurse: āMy phone just died.ā
Doctor: āLetās call it.ā
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that heās a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, āWell, Iām not Happy!ā
I said, āWell, which one are you?!ā And thatās when the fight began.
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
My sister wonāt let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sisterās baby, I dropped it. It wasnāt even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and sheās overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while Iām denying it. Sheās all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah Iām just kidding, my sister doesnāt have kids Anymore
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
My grandfatherās last words were āPints! Litres! Gallons!ā
That spoke volumes.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To take a photo in front of a church.
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and itās brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
After you die, whatās the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.