stock market bad wife bad
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
I don’t trust umbrellas.
They're shady.
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A married couple are lying in bed one night…
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
Young boy asks his dad for help with his homework. (NSFW)
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
Was in the pub with a mate last week…
… and these four huge bastards started mouthing off at us. My mate said "pretend we're the police, that'll get them to leave us alone". I only got halfway through the first verse of "Roxanne" before they kicked the shit out of us.