stock market good wife bad
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
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Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
He put on another coat
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Only a fraction of people know this
“I can't turn that down.”
Geralt of Trivia
It's my new year's resolution.
“I don’t know we never measure it”
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!" "Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement." Satan, fighting back tears: "Fuck you, go to hell!"
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
But I do like sitting down
they are flashing behind you.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
When I'm so inclined.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”