Stolen from Facebook , wholesome AF
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
![[OC] Reminding coworkers to test their code be like…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/s4sh9q23eaz31-400x338.jpg)
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.