Stonks
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
What do you call a muscular Arab?
Protein Sheikh.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
Success is like pregnancy.
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
What’s the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Your mom can't take a joke.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus?
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time