Stop.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil…
The plot thickens.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends…
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
Adam and Eve’s Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital
So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders