Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
Respect my Authority
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
A flat earther posted this on Facebook
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
*Actual* Trump Derangement Syndrome
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Wife bad. Kids bad. Alcohol good.
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
Goku schooling his opponent with Newton’s 2nd law
Trump Loyalty Test
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
Why can’t a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
Oh no who came up with this idea?
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
What the Arsonist Investigates….
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
Most people would prefer to have the time off between Christmas and New Year, but I have a better idea.
I'd like to have the time off between New Year and Christmas.
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
Looters gonna loot
Uncle always posts this kinda stuff
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
Sounds like socialism to me
Hey MAGAt’s, your hypocrisy is showing!
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
I could really see myself making mirrors.
No text found
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
Not mine, from the strip War and Peas. So true.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Records are not just for Boomers….
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
is snoop a boomer?
Im something if a scientist myself…
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
F to pay respects
It’s his job to consider the evidence
Ashley spoke too soon
How to feel less lonely during lockdown:
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
Thought this belonged here
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
Found on QuizUp…
“We care about our students and we want to help them”
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I have to use this shit to study for university (excuse the poor quality)
Someday I’ll understand all the memes on here