stop harassing the dear leader
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
My mate said he’d seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
I’d like to thank my legs
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Soon just got me without this one: “Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?”
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve
The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English." The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French." The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat, and they are told this is paradise. My friends, they are definitely Russian."
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.