What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!” The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.” So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!” “Yup, and now turn it around.” The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!” The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite” So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.” “Mmhm. Now turn it around” The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!” A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man. The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!” The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!” So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. “EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!” That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
The joke is that this SHOULD be a fake tweet but…it’s real… how .. the …is this real
https://ift.tt/2UtRTPh
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack