Stop Yelling
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. “WTF!” the student screamed.
"You have been kicked due to inactivity."
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
My ex-wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better!
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
