Stop! You have violated the law!
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?
They use paws!
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago..
I now live in constant fear.
You want milk with your bean water?
You want milk with your bean water?
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- heās gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone elseās wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
I for one, like Roman numerals.
No text found
Been a dad 5 mo, so Iām a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried aboutā¦
ā¦the alpaca lips?
The first time I had sex, it was in my parentās bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, āThis is a bit awkward.ā
I grunted, āJust ignore them.ā
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33
I was gonna give archery a shot
But thereās too many drawbacks
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store… While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars… As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too… The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide," The pharmacist asked her; "why in the world do you need cyanide?" She said; "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed; "Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE." The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says; "Well now thats different You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
Her: I’m leaving you because you’re too cocky.
Him: Close the door on your way back in.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
Iām not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
Not mine but I canāt find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2