Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
Why did your parents always get mad a window breaks?
Because they’re a pane to replace.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
I gently slid her panties to the left…
So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…