Story of my life…
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
Neanderthals be like
This was actually good
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
I’m sure they won’t do it again
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
I was taking my first martial arts class
The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)
Brought to you by google drive
One from my old elementary school coach
Trump rejects bailing out the US Postal Service
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Found on my grandmas fridge
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
x and y
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
*sad decimal noises*
Credit the artist
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Social media ruins everything…
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
Thanksgiving Boomer meme
I’m Mr. Meeseeks look at me!
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
Just a friendly reminder
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
No please mom not the office
My first meme.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
IRAN WILL NEVER HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON!
We’re all destined to be sad and exhausted
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Exploring the world of cases.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
That’s a point
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
It’s an easter egg
Love Ilhan or Hate her, she has a point.
Senator Bitch McConnell
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
Trump Curing Windmill Cancer
Imagine how much more advanced we’d be if we hadn’t lost all that code…
**Covid 19 exists** … meanwhile in Portugal
Ant monologue [OC]
Bill O’Reilly murdered by Beto
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I asked, "Who is this guy?" My grandfather said, "He's my hip replacement."
Totally makes sense.
Gotta look for all traffic
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Boys I found the treasure
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
Lower right looks happy to be noticed
Dang kids want new useful technology!
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
Don’t miss the on the foot
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.