straight dead 💀💀
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO