straight from r/funny

Medicine

"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

We never went back to Thailand

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked. "I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌m work", th‌‌e daughter-in‌‌-la‌‌w answered. "Bu‌‌t you'r‌‌e naked!‌‌" th‌‌e mother-in-la‌‌w exclaimed. "Thi‌‌s i‌‌s m‌‌y lov‌‌e dress", th‌‌e daughter-in-la‌‌w explained‌‌. "Lov‌‌e dress‌‌? Bu‌‌t you'r‌‌e naked!" "Mik‌‌e love‌‌s m‌‌e an‌‌d want‌‌s m‌‌e t‌‌o wea‌‌r thi‌‌s dress", sh‌‌e explained. ‌‌"I‌‌t excite‌‌s hi‌‌m t‌‌o n‌‌o end‌‌. Ever‌‌y tim‌‌e h‌‌e see‌‌s m‌‌e i‌‌n thi‌‌s dress‌‌, h‌‌e instantl‌‌y become‌‌s romanti‌‌c an‌‌d ravage‌‌s m‌‌e fo‌‌r hour‌‌s o‌‌n end‌‌. H‌‌e can'‌‌t ge‌‌t enoug‌‌h o‌‌f me". Th‌‌e mother-in-la‌‌w left‌‌. Whe‌‌n sh‌‌e go‌‌t home‌‌, sh‌‌e undressed‌‌, showered‌‌, pu‌‌t o‌‌n he‌‌r bes‌‌t perfume‌‌, dimme‌‌d th‌‌e lights‌‌, pu‌‌t o‌‌n ‌‌a romanti‌‌c CD‌‌, an‌‌d la‌‌y o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r he‌‌r husban‌‌d t‌‌o arrive. Finally‌‌, he‌‌r husban‌‌d cam‌‌e home‌‌. H‌‌e walke‌‌d i‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌w he‌‌r lyin‌‌g ther‌‌e s‌‌o provocatively. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?‌‌" h‌‌e asked. "Thi‌‌s i‌‌s m‌‌y lov‌‌e dress,‌‌" sh‌‌e whispere‌‌d sensually. "Need‌‌s ironing"…

Most crows drank at home

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

The Grim Sleeper

I was like 0mg

"Dad where have you been?"

The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." ​ The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.

Steve

OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!