Straight off facebook
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
What did the DJ name his son?
https://ift.tt/338Kd76
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
My friend’s girlfriend dumped him and is telling everyone he has a small penis.
He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways.
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
My favorite time of day is 6:30; hands down
No text found
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
