Straight up corona
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
What’s up with dat!?
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”…
…The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
A married couple goes to the fair…
The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can see the city in a way we've never seen before." Ethel says, "No, the ride is $50, and $50 is $50." So they leave, and come back about 20 years later, now the couple is in their 60's. Again, the husband sees the helicopter and the sign, still $50. "Come on Ethel, we didn't do it the last time we were here, let's do it now." "No, it's still $50, and $50 is $50." So once again they leave without riding the helicopter. They come back again in another 20 years. They're 80 now, the husband sees the same sign. He begs his wife, "Ethel please, I've waited my whole life to ride that helicopter. We're never going to get another chance, can we please just ride the helicopter?" Again, the wife says "No, $50 is $50." The helicopter pilot was in earshot this time and says to the couple, "I couodn't help but overhear you two. I'll take you on the helicopter ride for free, but if you make a sound, or say anything, you have to pay the $50." The couple agrees. The pilot is trying to pull a fast one on the couple, he wants to get paid. So he's doing all kinds of tricks, all these flips and barrel rolls and all kinds of crazy stuff to get them to scream and speak up. Nothing from the couple. Not a word was said, no screaming, nothing. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "That was amazing, I didn't hear anything from you two, how'd you do it?" The husband replies, "Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out, but $50 is $50."
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
There’s a magician who can fold even the highest-quality guitars in half.
He's known as "the Fender bender".
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20." The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign. "You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend. The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later. "So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?" The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?