Straighten yourself out
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says βCarl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?β Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, Iβll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Donβt forget now Carl Carl: I wonβt, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DONβT FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WONβT, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl whereβs my fries??!
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.
"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?" The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small. "Um…barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs. Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help. A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!" The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup. Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl. He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey…I'm…Tom." She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking…" she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?" He glances back at the bar. "Yeah…sorry," he pants. "I wanted…to impress you, but…it turned out to be…a pretty cheesy…pig-cup line."
A chemist froze himself at -273Β°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Do you know whatβs cool?
Winter.
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Remains to be seen
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A GobblegΓ€nger.
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, Iβll go on ahead.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs