Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of.
His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him.
"Son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The boy doesn't hesitate.
"All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride."
Dad ruffles his hair and says
"Son. I'll see what I can do"
Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?".
The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating.
The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again.
Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day.
The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that"
He turns to them and replies.
"I'm an Extractor Fan."
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I will find you, you have my word
To see the battle.
Blunt force trauma.
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Nature’s biggest fan
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
Something inside me is telling me yes
You want a piece of me?
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
But it was his dumb asphalt
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
They charged him with attempted murder.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
…the NSA will finally read it.
is a non-prophet organization.
I would give it one star
“You know, one would have been enough.”
It’s all word of mouth…
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship