Strap up conservatives
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
An Australian General says to a soldier, โDid you come here to die?โ
The soldier responds, โNo, sir. I came here yester-die!โ
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels canโt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says โDo you smell fish?โ Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโs pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldnโt control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didnโt have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldnโt put it down. I couldnโt remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if youโre cold? Stand in the corner. Itโs 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldnโt you trust atoms? They make up everything. Whatโs the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You canโt tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. Whatโs it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, itโs too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why canโt you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didnโt the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighborโs backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. Whatโs it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. Whatโs americaโs favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why donโt vampires go to barbecues? They donโt like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesnโt know how to continue to live her life. She heard that thereโs a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. โI have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and Iโm left with nothing. I donโt know what to doโ. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: โIs the cookie delicious?โ โYesโ- she answer. โDo you want another one?โ โSure, pleaseโ. The monk looked her in the eyes and said โDo you see the problem now?โ The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, โI guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. Itโs never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for thatโ. The monk shake his head โNo, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
How do trees ๐ access internet?
They log in
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's really time consuming. Especially if you go for seconds.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
Theyโve left no tern unstoned
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
I wouldnโt say itโs easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But itโs not hard.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.