Striking similarities
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
Entertainment night at the senior home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
