Stupid Facebook memes
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’.
I said, “Great! I’ll pick you up tomorrow!”
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
https://ift.tt/2OsA7YW
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes…
But when I do, he usually laughs.
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”