Stupid is in the white hse NOW..!!!
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
I’ve been watching way too much Phineas and Fern recently
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
As I handed my Dad his 50th Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.
"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people