Stupid zoomers
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?”
I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
So for Halloween I’m going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
I’ll be a sugar daddy.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.
I love foreign axe scents.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
