My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. βI wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.β And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. βI want to be the most beautiful person in the world!β The angel stops, βThe previous person said that, so Iβll make you the second beautifulest then.β With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. βI want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.β The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. βI want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.β He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. βI want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.β The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. βI want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.β Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. βWhy were you laughing all this time sir?β βI wish they were all ugly again.β
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in. As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina. Miss Catarina: Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds. The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture. Miss Catarina: I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty? Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names. Miss Catarina: And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here. (She says with a smirk) The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement. Miss Catarina: I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen! Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope! The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused. Miss Catarina: I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? Itβs because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money! The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical. Miss Catarina: It was nice meeting you, Penelope! She then moves to the second child. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian! Lillian: Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly! Miss Catarina: And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower! The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern. Miss Catarina: Itβs a pleasure meeting you, Lillian. Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child. Miss Catarina: And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all! While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina. Skeptical Woman: Iβve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! Weβre leaving! While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him. Miss Catarina: You have a wonderful day, Richard!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? Iβm stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: βOverworked postmen.β Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"Iβve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β β
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
My wedding was so beautiful
Even the cake was in tiers
I never say curse words
I swear
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ainβt no son of mine
Sheβd be my daughterπ₯°
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"