Poor guy took too much
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
I’m going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.
Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Concerning the cowards that were in the Michigan capital yesterday:
Dad sent this to me
Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese
Holy shit joker was right
Very strange but funny deer vandalism
Also the angles
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
S A L T
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
L I G H T
Cool meme bout primates
got annoyed from one of my groups
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
I’ll have the McPlastic thanks…
This is disgusting
But had he swallowed it, the hair would grow … out of his mouth?
I just saw my friend accidentally take Viagara when he meant to take Ambien.
He’ll be up all night.
Don’t know if already made
A duck walks into a bar…
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast. The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his fry up, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every lunchtime for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats fry ups, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The fucking circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a fucking big hole in the middle?" says the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "Why the fuck would they want a plasterer?"
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
How did we ever learn how to spell.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
So sad but true
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
Head on the clouds
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
Found on Facebook (Of course)
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Wise words from grandma
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
Ha got em
My aunt on Facebook
They were OK with it then
No bank or bigot too big to bust!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
Kids today can’t turn a knob until they don’t hear static.
I love all the eras of macOS UI equally
A book falls on Sean Connery’s head
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
What do Asian cannibals eat?
When the milk has a date for Valentine’s Day, but I don’t.
Heres one from my chemistry teacher
From my chemistry teacher; Frank Jr. "Yeah I have the same name as my dad. You want to know his best dad joke? Every time he calls me on the cellphone, he starts the conversation with "listen, I'm gonna be frank with you"
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
The truth has been spoken!!
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
Capitalism in a pandemic
Oh no he didn’t…
has the format spread here yet?
Orange don’t crack, I guess.
Fastest way to annoy a Trump fan is to quote Trump.
I got this as a birthdaygift for my brother and he loved it!!
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."