Subverting your expectations!
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.