Subverting your expectations!
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Mostly because his name is Steve
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I never get included in anything either.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
He learned fish swim in schools
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
But I didn't see the point.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
Ba dum tss
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
My kids are upset about that decision.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
What a bunch of sick fucks.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.