Successful woman bad!
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
I’m not buying it.
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
"I'm a big metal fan."
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
The pupils, they dilate.
No text found
Pun in, 10 dead
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
She's an essential oil worker now.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
It's what he would have wanted…
Because they inquire.
To get to the other side.
The horse, not able to understand human language, shits on the floor and leaves
It must be in Airplane! mode.
so we started using lubricant
A dad joke. How did I do?
Put a little boogie in it!
I get scared just thinking about it!
they're so full of themselves.
He became trans-parent.
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
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He calls them missle toes.
Everyone gets it.
Because the trees can speak for themselves
He had reptile dysfunction
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
She is literally kidding.
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉