Such a perfect and subtle gift.
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’ Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it? Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t flog a dead horse!’ Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.’
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.
I love going outdoors…
It's much safer than going outwindows.
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
